it’s weird how you can love somebody so much in such a short time.

somebody told me last night that i should forget him. that i have to move on with my life. i'm gonna do that. i dont want to feel this pain anymore. i let him go, and won't go back to him. i'm moving forward, to the future. not moving back, to what happened. i just needed that kinda talk. somebody who say that i must go on. he really understood me, he had the same problem a couple weeks ago. and he moved on. maybe it's not easy. but at least i'm gonna try it.

there was one person, i thought i really gonna trust her. but i don't. i found out that she couldn't care at all, she said she understood. but she don't. it's impossible to understand how i feeling. i really told her things that i almost had to cry about. then she was talking about herself. always playing the boss of what i'm doin, what i should get for her. that i didn't saw that earlier. she used me like i'm her slave. fuck off, loser. and you call us "best friends forever". i don't think so. i'm shy. very shy. the last 4 year of my highschool was like hell. i didn't talked to anybody, well only girls. i was afraid of boys.. first year, was ok. but second year, people were callin me a lesbian. and evertime i told that i wasn't a lesbian. what i said, they didn't believed me at all. thirt year. same thing. but everyone was getting a new class. so i was happy. and there was this cutiest boy. i really was in love. but he called me a lesbian. and the weird thing was, i liked him after that. i still like him. this is were i got fucking anoying of my "bff" i told her that i liked that boy in the class. and you know what she did? and she told me that she liked him too. she talked to him. gosh, i was fucking jalous. i sayed nothing to him, i was shy. and if i talked to him, he was looking at me like, "what the hell are you talking to me". and she was talking and talking with him. it really made me cryed. that year was over really fast. everybody was having fun. going out, stuff like that. when i was home every saturday. i didn't dared to go out. i was afraid what people should think, and what people should say. also i was afraid of the effects of alchohol. and nobody ever asked me. one night, i was thinking, i always think, i think to much. i was thinking that i was afraid of life. every single minute, second of a day, so scared. so fucking scared. scared of the littliest things. scared of the future. scared that i never make friends. scared that i never have a boyfriend. scared that nobody loves me. scared that i end up all alone. scared that of everyday. scared of meeting new people. it made me so depressed. that i wasn't happy at all. i was putting my fake smile on. and told everybody that i was doin fine. my last school year was just hell. nobody liked me. i was getting even more depressed. until one day an other boy from the thirth class said something to me on msn. that i must be more online. and he told me that i see him on school. so i was happy again. somebody who cared, and liked me. but i make wrong desisions. so i told my "bff" about him. and she told me, that i can get much better then him, and that he's ugly. so, yea, i let him go. even when i was so in love. i let him go. i'm so stupid. so i never spoke to him again. until my love for him was getting bigger and bigger. and i felt guilty. so i picked all my courage together to say that i'm sorry. my heart was bouncing so hart. so scared. he sayed that it was sweet. and the next day we had some kinda date. we were sitting outside in the grass in the sun. and my heart was bouncing so hard again. and he kissed me. that was the most wonderfull day in my life. i never had a boyfriend before, cuz everybody thought i was a lesbian, and i was to afraid to talk to boys. and i really thought he meaned it. only he told me that he didn't believed me that i was meaned it. on msn he told me that i only could see him a week later. so i was disapointed. and all of the sudden he was talking about his ex. and that he had to buzzy. so i thought, is this right? and i saw on his page that he had messages from girls; "i love you. i always be there for you." only girls. so i broke up after a week. even when i was so in love. i felt even more guilty then before. so i was broken again. depressed. he texted me some sweet things. that he wanted to be with me. i ignored that. i shouldn't have done that. then he was really hurting my feeling, he sayed some really mean things, like; "you're so selfish." that i was only thinking about myself. that really made me cry. every night. so we didn't spoke again. and after a week. he sayed that he wanted to see me, just talk. so yea. i want to talk. but he didn't had time for me. and after 2 weeks, i was back from vacation. i text him to say that i wanted to explain something. he answered ones, then he ignored me. i really really miss him. even when it was just a week. i still love him. even when he gets all the attention of those other girls. i still love him. and every night. i'm just lying in my bed, thinking of him. and looking at my phone to see if he text me. hoping that he will forgive me. and everyday the same things. scared. love. hate. crying myself to sleep. feeling down. hating my life. hating me for being this way. hoping that i will hold on.

there's going so many things trought my mind all day long. and i want to share it with you. i'm never and still not happy with the way i'm living. i always make mistakes, wrong people, wrong desisions.